Every single time I try to livestream anything, I'm interupted somehow, especially when I flat out say "hey, I'm going live". It's always the same old thing, people walking in without following the guidelines I've laid out and are also pinned to my door in plain sight, being recruited (told to do something for them) while in the middle of the stream, or just flat out unable to continue the stream from that point because of some other reason that they give.
It's way beyond old and it needs to stop (though it never will). At this point I have to conclude that they're blocking me intentionally. The main person doing it has always had issues with me doing anything live due to their own paranoia (and yes, it is paranoia because their reasoning is that someone that disagrees with me might try to find and harm me, which has a 1 in a trillion chance of actually happening, especially since my material is ignored by 99% of the people who watch material on youtube and twitch).
Those of you who are reading this and saying "oh, just tell them how you feel about it", just to let you know, I have. It makes no difference what I say, or what signs I put up in plain sight, they still interupt me. I tell them I'm going live, and regardless of whether or not they know, they still interupt in the middle of the livestream.
I've done everything I can do, short of baracading my door shut, to keep this from happening and yet it still continues. And then people wonder why I have to do stuff at night, it's because I can't do anything during the day without being constantly interupted right in the middle of it.
I'm seriously about ready to buy a nail lock or something for the door so that they can't open it while i'm live, at least then they'd get the idea that I'm tired of putting up with it.
What makes it worse, is the few people who do tune into my livestreams, then have to deal with a muted mic and an unspecified amount of silence and inaction.
It's unprofessional, it makes me look bad to my audience, and I could easily lose new subscribers/viewers because of it.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Finally got to relax a bit today.
Today wasn't too bad, I actually did get a little bit done and I was able to relax a bit. People were texting me quite a bit toward the end of the evening though, so I kind of ignored them in favor of a stressless night. I don't mind talking to people every now and then, but sometimes I have to relax and ignore the world (with an exception or two ;) you know who you are). And now, I'm relaxed, comfortable and rested.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
I'm going back to the night life, I can't get anything done like this.
I'm constantly interupted by other people during the day, whether it's something small in frequent amounts, or if it's something like sending me and my brother to the store (which is only from their laziness, mind you), it's always something. This entire week I have had to stop what I was doing, on a daily basis and cancel working on my game (the one I'm creating) because of not being able to simply stop in the middle of everything every two seconds for an unspecified amount of time, without forgetting what was being done.
It's bad enough when I'm not taken seriously as a person who knows what he's talking about, but when I'm not even taken seriously as a person trying to do something with my life other than sit on my ass taking insults by people who think they know everything, that just pisses me off.
Too much crap goes on here during the day, dogs barking literally every two minutes, people carrying on loudly, interuptions every hour. I can't work like this!
At night, it's so quiet I can hear the fridge turn it's defroster on and off and I can actually focus on something.
And then it's worse when they take an hour to get everything "ready". Honestly I'm sick of having to put up with this everyday. I'm more than happy to help every now and then, but frankly, I rent a room, and I give 200 a month for food in order to help them already as it is. I can't drop everything that I'm trying to do in order to "help" every single day they tell me to (yes, they tell me, not ask me).
The absolute worst thing is, I'm stuck with them. I can't afford internet on my own, and I can't actually have the life I have right now without it (that's not a matter of "internet addiction", it's just fact because of who I interact with, and what I do). God, it's like fate has me by the fucking balls or something. I can't do anything to make my life better without everything else getting in the damn way!
It's bad enough when I'm not taken seriously as a person who knows what he's talking about, but when I'm not even taken seriously as a person trying to do something with my life other than sit on my ass taking insults by people who think they know everything, that just pisses me off.
Too much crap goes on here during the day, dogs barking literally every two minutes, people carrying on loudly, interuptions every hour. I can't work like this!
At night, it's so quiet I can hear the fridge turn it's defroster on and off and I can actually focus on something.
And then it's worse when they take an hour to get everything "ready". Honestly I'm sick of having to put up with this everyday. I'm more than happy to help every now and then, but frankly, I rent a room, and I give 200 a month for food in order to help them already as it is. I can't drop everything that I'm trying to do in order to "help" every single day they tell me to (yes, they tell me, not ask me).
The absolute worst thing is, I'm stuck with them. I can't afford internet on my own, and I can't actually have the life I have right now without it (that's not a matter of "internet addiction", it's just fact because of who I interact with, and what I do). God, it's like fate has me by the fucking balls or something. I can't do anything to make my life better without everything else getting in the damn way!
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
I KNOW how to do this!
I'm not even sure where to start this... I guess some background info first.
I lived on my own for 3 years (before the economy took a dive), I had to walk everywhere I went, I cooked my own food, and took care of myself like anyone else would/could.
When my father lost his job (a something like $14/hr job), he and my mother started to struggle with finances, so when my apartment contract was up I decided to rent a room from them in their house, this way I could help them financially and I'd have an internet connection as well (can't afford one normally). Which is where I have been ever since, even now as I type this, I'm in the room I have been renting this whole time.
The catch is, my mother is obsessive about everything. She's learned over time that it gets in everyone's way and for some things she leaves well enough alone, but for whatever reason, she takes the assumption that I don't know how to cook, despite the fact that it has always come naturally to me and I have proven that I can multiple times (afterall, I didn't live off of food that doesn't need cooking for 3 years straight).
So, today I asked if I could bake some cookies (the ONLY reason I asked instead of just doing it is because I didn't know if we had everything that was needed to make them) and she treated the question with "do you know how to make my cookies?". The answer is "yes, I've baked cookies before when I did so at the local deli, from start to finish, for the better part of a year" (not to mention the fact that I've watched the process for like 20 years as well). She pulls out a recipe card (that apparently has incorrect instructions for whatever reason) and says "well, you can't go by this because that's wrong", I said "that's fine, I know how to do it, I did it for like a year making slightly larger ones at [the deli]". Her reply was "that's not the same thing" and then dismissed the possibility, telling me that I couldn't go ahead and make them because she didn't have time to "explain how".
The only difference is time and maybe a slight reduction in temperature to prevent burning.
The frustrating thing is, this happens for everything she hasn't witnessed me cooking. It's honestly insulting and humiliating. I know what I'm doing even if she doesn't think so.
A while back we all decided to take days that each of us would cook because of a lack of time on my mother and father's parts, that lasted a week because she couldn't keep out of the kitchen and let me work, constantly looking over my shoulder and pointing out flaws that didn't exist while insisting that I don't know how to do something. I quit after that because it was insulting just as much then as it is now.
I'm the oldest sibling between us three.
My brother (who has no experience cooking and likely won't with the way our mother is constantly acting) also has AS (though nowhere near as severe as me because he had help early on enough to adapt to normal life), and has to deal with the same, though I've only seen a few times where that's the case.
My sister on the other hand, has always been fairly trusted with stuff. She doesn't have AS and leads a perfectly normal life. The catch is, she has botched 10 times more things that she was cooking in one year than I have in my whole life. Yet she has our mother's full confidence in all things cooking, on the whole.
A number of years ago (probably 6), my mother also made predictions on who would likely do best vs. worst. She always had confidence in my sister for just about everything, but when it came to me her predictions and fears were as follows:
Fear of me living on my own due to leaving the stove on and it catching fire. (Seriously?)
Ratio of me forgetting to turn off the stove: 0%
How often I triple check that I've shut it off: 100%
The only person in the family to set fire to the stove: Sister
Person who put it out: Me
Problem they [parents] found with it (yes, they found a problem with me putting out a fire): Using a fire extinguisher instead of something else that could've put it out, and not coming to get them first.
(I was in disbelief, obviously, that they found fault in putting out a fire)
Fear in me cooking something, in fear that I'll screw it up somehow.
As stated previously, my sister has screwed up more, cooking stuff, than I ever have. Yet she's given more confidence in cooking than me.
I took cooking class in high school, aced it and then some.
I KNOW how to cook! It's not rocket science and frankly, I can cook better than them.
One of the bad things is, my brother, who is 17, has never been given the opportunity to properly learn how to cook multiple meals. He knows how to do simple things, but that's all, and that's the only things that our mother trusts either one of us with.
Honestly, it's off-putting and insulting to be told not to cook something because someone doesn't believe in my capabilities as a cook.
It boils down to two possibilites:
A) She doesn't believe in my capabilities and likely never will.
or
B) She doesn't trust me.
Honestly, I think it's B. Over the years it's been painfully obvious that no-one here (aside from maybe my brother) believes 90% of what I say, regardless of what it is.
[Rant=begin] It's been that way since I was a little kid, even when it was so obvious I didn't do something, I'd say "I didn't do it, [sister] was the only one downstairs!", all she had to do was lie about it and she was believed.
The only reason I'm still here is because of the internet connection at this point. I can't afford one on my own (I can barely afford a basic cell phone, living on my own) and without one, I'd not only be bored out of my skull, but also unable to work on my projects (some of which I will likely be making money from) and talk to the few friends I have left. The noise here is unbearable on most days, with a dog that constantly (no, seriously, every 2 minutes he starts and won't shut up for like a half hour) barks, others laughing louder than necessary, interuptions when they have to walk through my room to let the dogs outside, the works. [Rant=end]
Ugh! I'm just tired of being treated like I don't know what I'm doing and don't know anything!
I lived on my own for 3 years (before the economy took a dive), I had to walk everywhere I went, I cooked my own food, and took care of myself like anyone else would/could.
When my father lost his job (a something like $14/hr job), he and my mother started to struggle with finances, so when my apartment contract was up I decided to rent a room from them in their house, this way I could help them financially and I'd have an internet connection as well (can't afford one normally). Which is where I have been ever since, even now as I type this, I'm in the room I have been renting this whole time.
The catch is, my mother is obsessive about everything. She's learned over time that it gets in everyone's way and for some things she leaves well enough alone, but for whatever reason, she takes the assumption that I don't know how to cook, despite the fact that it has always come naturally to me and I have proven that I can multiple times (afterall, I didn't live off of food that doesn't need cooking for 3 years straight).
So, today I asked if I could bake some cookies (the ONLY reason I asked instead of just doing it is because I didn't know if we had everything that was needed to make them) and she treated the question with "do you know how to make my cookies?". The answer is "yes, I've baked cookies before when I did so at the local deli, from start to finish, for the better part of a year" (not to mention the fact that I've watched the process for like 20 years as well). She pulls out a recipe card (that apparently has incorrect instructions for whatever reason) and says "well, you can't go by this because that's wrong", I said "that's fine, I know how to do it, I did it for like a year making slightly larger ones at [the deli]". Her reply was "that's not the same thing" and then dismissed the possibility, telling me that I couldn't go ahead and make them because she didn't have time to "explain how".
The only difference is time and maybe a slight reduction in temperature to prevent burning.
The frustrating thing is, this happens for everything she hasn't witnessed me cooking. It's honestly insulting and humiliating. I know what I'm doing even if she doesn't think so.
A while back we all decided to take days that each of us would cook because of a lack of time on my mother and father's parts, that lasted a week because she couldn't keep out of the kitchen and let me work, constantly looking over my shoulder and pointing out flaws that didn't exist while insisting that I don't know how to do something. I quit after that because it was insulting just as much then as it is now.
I'm the oldest sibling between us three.
My brother (who has no experience cooking and likely won't with the way our mother is constantly acting) also has AS (though nowhere near as severe as me because he had help early on enough to adapt to normal life), and has to deal with the same, though I've only seen a few times where that's the case.
My sister on the other hand, has always been fairly trusted with stuff. She doesn't have AS and leads a perfectly normal life. The catch is, she has botched 10 times more things that she was cooking in one year than I have in my whole life. Yet she has our mother's full confidence in all things cooking, on the whole.
A number of years ago (probably 6), my mother also made predictions on who would likely do best vs. worst. She always had confidence in my sister for just about everything, but when it came to me her predictions and fears were as follows:
Fear of me living on my own due to leaving the stove on and it catching fire. (Seriously?)
Ratio of me forgetting to turn off the stove: 0%
How often I triple check that I've shut it off: 100%
The only person in the family to set fire to the stove: Sister
Person who put it out: Me
Problem they [parents] found with it (yes, they found a problem with me putting out a fire): Using a fire extinguisher instead of something else that could've put it out, and not coming to get them first.
(I was in disbelief, obviously, that they found fault in putting out a fire)
Fear in me cooking something, in fear that I'll screw it up somehow.
As stated previously, my sister has screwed up more, cooking stuff, than I ever have. Yet she's given more confidence in cooking than me.
I took cooking class in high school, aced it and then some.
I KNOW how to cook! It's not rocket science and frankly, I can cook better than them.
One of the bad things is, my brother, who is 17, has never been given the opportunity to properly learn how to cook multiple meals. He knows how to do simple things, but that's all, and that's the only things that our mother trusts either one of us with.
Honestly, it's off-putting and insulting to be told not to cook something because someone doesn't believe in my capabilities as a cook.
It boils down to two possibilites:
A) She doesn't believe in my capabilities and likely never will.
or
B) She doesn't trust me.
Honestly, I think it's B. Over the years it's been painfully obvious that no-one here (aside from maybe my brother) believes 90% of what I say, regardless of what it is.
[Rant=begin] It's been that way since I was a little kid, even when it was so obvious I didn't do something, I'd say "I didn't do it, [sister] was the only one downstairs!", all she had to do was lie about it and she was believed.
The only reason I'm still here is because of the internet connection at this point. I can't afford one on my own (I can barely afford a basic cell phone, living on my own) and without one, I'd not only be bored out of my skull, but also unable to work on my projects (some of which I will likely be making money from) and talk to the few friends I have left. The noise here is unbearable on most days, with a dog that constantly (no, seriously, every 2 minutes he starts and won't shut up for like a half hour) barks, others laughing louder than necessary, interuptions when they have to walk through my room to let the dogs outside, the works. [Rant=end]
Ugh! I'm just tired of being treated like I don't know what I'm doing and don't know anything!
Monday, July 8, 2013
The headaches have started again...
I suffor headaches on days when I am either stressed about something, or if I'm on a day schedule (meaning I sleep at night). Though sometimes, they come for little reason at all, bringing with them a constant exhaustion that never goes away. This is one of those weeks, where headaches plague me and I feel so weak that all I want to do is lie down for the day. It's so hard to move sometimes in this state. Painkillers no longer work for me, my body has grown resistant to them over time, which brings no comfort.
Then lonliness and depression set in as well, as if the physical symptoms weren't enough to deal with. But then, who do I talk with? The few friends that I do have are busy with their own lives and needs, I would only burden them with mine and I don't want to be that burden.
It seems I've always been a burden to others, and it's always been obvious to me that others feel that I have been as well. Afterall, there are things that others can do effortlessly that I simply can't, such as driving. It's frustrating, more for me than them, because I can't be attentive enough to be safe on the road, and for this reason it would be not only irresponsible, but also reckless to attempt it. So I have to depend on other people... which only burdens them.
I feel cold...
I must sleep. Perhaps I will dream this time, though something tells me I will wake up no more rested than I am now. Tomorrow will bring a new headache, like so many other weeks like this have in the past.
Then lonliness and depression set in as well, as if the physical symptoms weren't enough to deal with. But then, who do I talk with? The few friends that I do have are busy with their own lives and needs, I would only burden them with mine and I don't want to be that burden.
It seems I've always been a burden to others, and it's always been obvious to me that others feel that I have been as well. Afterall, there are things that others can do effortlessly that I simply can't, such as driving. It's frustrating, more for me than them, because I can't be attentive enough to be safe on the road, and for this reason it would be not only irresponsible, but also reckless to attempt it. So I have to depend on other people... which only burdens them.
I feel cold...
I must sleep. Perhaps I will dream this time, though something tells me I will wake up no more rested than I am now. Tomorrow will bring a new headache, like so many other weeks like this have in the past.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)